A Birthday To Be Remembered

There was once a future King in the great land of Nerdonia.

 

Her name was D. Anne Revzoar, and it was on the eve of her 25th birthday that she faced the greatest foe to ever set paw in her totally rad land.

Still today people tremble at the sound of this wicked beast’s name, and the great foodstuff from which she took her Nom de Plunder.

The creature was non other than the great, the terrible…

Tomato Box.

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“Hah hah hah!” chuckled the wicked beast on this eve of great celebration. “Soon, all of Nerdonia shall be under my control. No longer shall the fierce knight Maggie of the Doge guard its borders! No longer shall Sir Nicol-Ass the Great save orphans and elderly people from burning buildings and boring comics! And best of all…”

(here, Tomato Box grinned the most wicked grin that had ever been grinned in the Grim Grinning History of Grins)

“D. Anne Revzoar, Heir to the Kingdom, will be totally and utterly de-radified!”

Tomato Box immediately began to laugh like all wicked creatures laugh: blackly. With soul-shivering timbers.

And then she explained her plan in great detail.

Oh, to hear such dastardly thoughts!

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Maggie of the Doge, napping after a tough gun battle with some Crips who’d tried to infiltrate Nerdonia to sell drugs & armor-piercing Desert Eagles.

Luckily for Nerdonia, D. Anne Revzoar was no fool. Earlier that day she had infiltrated the wicked Tomato Box‘s lair in order to spy on her.

She knew it was dangerous–and she didn’t care.

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The future King was also a master of disguise.

She overheard every part of Tomato Box‘s wicked plot, even the part where she explained exactly how she would destroy Nerdonia, which won’t be reproduced in this story due to a desire to keep the rating PG 13.

(Trust me. It was a crazy nasty, despicable, blood-soaked and violent plot, not suitable for printed word or young rad eyes).

“Never,” she vowed to herself, as the wicked cat finished monologuing. Knowing of Tomato Box‘s exceptional hearing, she carefully crept into the back of the evil one’s lair while the Overlord-To-Be was distracted by a small bell enclosed in a transparent plastic ball.

Luckily that day she’d brought her sword, Rad-Dichio, along with her on her spying mission. Now she quietly pulled it from its sheath, waiting till the evil Tomato Box was chuckling in order to hide the sharp sound it made as it slid into the open air.

“NO!” Mewed the most evil creature that had ever existed.

“Your days of terror are through!” D. Anne shouted, and charged.

What happened next was very graphic and pretty brutal, to be frank. I really don’t want to go into details because, yuck, that stuff is pretty gross.

The battle was swift, and cruel. But at the very last moment D. Anne remembered her commitment to animal rights and showed the beast mercy.

In exchange for that mercy, the terrible Tomato Box had to agree to play dead and ride limply around on D. Anne’s head, so she could pretend she was Hercules after he’d killed that lion and stuff. And because D. Anne was super rad, and Tomato Box was pretty darn scared, she agreed.

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Little known trivia: one of the evil Tomato Boxs talents was playing dead.

D. Anne rode off on her trusty Alligator steed to attend her 25th birthday party, with the thoroughly embarrassed trophy of her good deed draped over her head. Her family–the great King Phil, the beautiful Queen Bet See, and the talented Princess C. Juice–were delighted at her triumph and gave her lots of hugs and terrific, punny speeches.  Sir Nichol-Ass the Great presented her with a finally drawn portrait commemorating her triumph, and the noble Maggie of the Doge provided many a face lick. They all had lots of Paleo-friendly cake and large quantities of fancy wine and had a most splendid time.

And that is the end of the tail.

 

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