Dear Richard

I received your email this morning re: shipping things to your Russian mail order bride. I hope you don’t mind if I reproduce said email here:

Good day!
My name is Richard. I live in the USA.
I would like to make a gift for my future wife. Аt the present moment It`s very important for me.
Answer please the following questions:
Do you have a possibility to send packages to Russia?
Do you accept credit cards from other countries?
What should be the maximum sum of money (in dollars) for buying a package in order to escape problems at custom?
Yours faithfully,


Richard, I don’t do favors for people who don’t even bother to address me by name (see the heading of this entry? “Dear Richard.” Very specific, Richard. Makes you feel important, doesn’t it?). In addition,  I am wondering how I know you. Are you one of my students trying to write under a fake name? If so, we clearly need to work on your use of grammar, word order, and appropriate email structure.

If you really are from the USA, I don’t see why you’d need MY help. Trust me, the Czech bureaucracy–even for something as simple as sending a package–makes nothing simple. Besides, the Czechs and the Russians don’t like each other very much at the moment.

I’d try contacting someone from a more consistently Russian-friendly nation. Like North Korea.

All the best,



4 thoughts on “Dear Richard

  1. Dear Richard,
    You will soon be receiving a package for your mail order bride. Since I don’t like surprises I will tell you what it is. The best damn mac and cheese ever! Heat and eat. No, that is not the instruction for what to do with your mail order bride! That is the instuction for the mac and cheese package which will be sent to your mail order bride shortly.
    Good luck!

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